It Takes a Village

"It takes a village". We hear it all the time when referring to child-rearing. Mostly we hear it from people older than us, who have grown children, who feel our pain and know our struggles. We don't realize they know our struggles because they are not dwelling on the past--that is, still complaining about that time, 30 years ago, when their two-year-old took her dirty diaper off in her crib. Her really dirty diaper. We see them and we know they have grown children and, in our overtired and worn out brains, we assume the children were magical and rode unicorns to school and sang their parents' praises in beautiful octaves. They didn't cry or ask "why" constantly, and they ate so many vegetables it was like something from a fairy tale. And we assume all of this happened while they were being raised in this gorgeous daydream of a village our parents and their friends speak of.

Today, we don't have villages, per say. We have communities, sure, but in my experience they don't really help with children. They watch out for predators in our neighborhoods and plant trees for the future, but I can't use them when I want to go grocery shopping alone. We have online villages: ivillage, momvillage, dadvillage, blogvillage, ifeelyourpainvillage, but again, doesn't help when I'm stuck and have to go to work and don't have a physical human being to sit with my children and ensure they don's set anything on fire or choke on Legos. Some people's villages may be a close-knit group of friends, their parents and siblings, or neighbors they trust. Whatever your village looks like, it is probably your saving grace at times when you think your head will explode, scaring your children and leaving brain matter on the wall that you will inevitably have to clean up yourself.

I am lucky to have a village. Mine is lots of fun, quite extensive, and oh, so wonderful. I know people who don't have one, who suffer in silence alone. There are some friends who have a few people, but not many. There are people who have people but who do not call on the people they have because of the belief that they should be able to "do this themselves". Nuh-uh, honey. Were you not listening? It takes a G-D village!

When you have the village, use it. If you have one to call your own, embrace it as needed. Obviously, don't take advantage of it, villagers don't like it when you only call to say "I need help!". They may even wield fiery sticks and chant "get them!" while running after you, so just watch yourself there. Save it for your breaking point, your date night, that moment when you just need to browse the produce aisle alone. Emergencies are the best time to use the village because villagers appreciate that you need them and that they can help.

Part of the village is accepting the help wholeheartedly so, stop apologizing! For the love of god I will say it again, STOP SAYING I'M SORRY. I, too, have a hard time with this one, but it really is unnecessary. I realize we're just trying to show that we are aware that something wrong has gone down, it's a way of being polite, but don't overdo it.  I recently had a few instances where my friends and family with children just wouldn't stop APOLOGIZING for things their children did. And I don't mean, "I'm sorry my kid set your house on fire, forcing you to lose everything, including your family dog, and left you in ruins". (You had better apologize for that, dude.) But really? I'm sorry my kid made a mess with the toys, I'm sorry they ate your snacks, I'm sorry they peed on your floor because they are potty-training. I'm sorry they cried, I'm sorry they took a toy from your child, I'm sorry they pushed your child away and won't play. I'm sorry they're being shy, I'm sorry they didn't wanna hug you hello after not seeing you for months. I'm. Just. Sorry. I get this a lot with young moms I know and, just to be clear, my children are not made of gold and doing all that beautiful singing to me that I mentioned above. There is no reason to apologize.

 The "I'm sorry" incident that hurt my heart happened a month ago. A friend was in the middle of her spouse changing jobs, shifts were overlapping, they hadn't found a reputable daycare yet, and she needed help. She called to see if I, her VERY GOOD FRIEND, could watch her child a few days coming up. There was ample notice. This stay-at-home-mom friend does this for a living. This is, like, my job. If you called a plummer to fix a leak you wouldn't apologize when he said ok! She offered to pay (which I declined) and 2 of the three days it was for ONE HOUR. Yep, I said one. I agreed before any of the details were even given to me because I was free and, say it with me, IT TAKES A VILLAGE. The days following our conversation were filled with I'm Sorry's and Are You Sure's. Finally, she was able to figure a way around the whole situation and I never ended up watching her child at all. It was semi-convenient and okay for her that she switched plans, but I really hated that I thought she did it because she didn't want to inconvenience me. No matter how many times I said it was fine, great actually, I knew she didn't believe it. She worked her butt off to find alternate babysitting so that I wouldn't be put out. Do you know what I did? I still stayed home for all that time with my own kids. I was the plummer and I continued to fix a bunch of toilets, even though hers wasn't one of them.*

*I realize I just likened her child to a toilet. I do not in any way mean she is a toilet. She is a beautiful child and a lot cuter than a toilet indeed.
Also, I just realized that I probably did fix a toilet or two in those days. Toys don't go down easy.

If you have a village, a friend, family who loves your kids and wants to see them happy, take full advantage of making those kids happy. If that means asking for help, do it. If that means favors, go for it. What's the worst that could happen? They say no. I'm sure no one will take your kids or help out, the whole time letting the kid know how inconvenient it really is for them. They had things they wanted to do and now YOU, KID, are cramping their style. Take a yes at face value. Don't apologize for your darling kids sometimes being not-so-darling kids. Most of the time that you think your kids are awful, the person with you is thinking "God, I wish my damn kid was this good". Kids make messes, kids pee in places they shouldn't, they don't eat when told, they certainly don't share, and they cry and throw tantrums. If you have a village that accepts all that with a wink and a smile, but no sweat off their back, embrace it.

As a matter of fact, never let those people go.


~Leah